Sensations
by Darkest Raindrop
Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body.I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set in. Warning self injury!
1. In which we see Blood and Tears

**Sensations**

**Rated: M (Mature themes)**

**Pairing: Will be Dasey eventually**

**Genre: Romance/Drama**

**Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set it. (WARNING: Deals with self-injury)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, which is oh so sad because I would bring them all back to Newfoundland!!!**

**AN: Kay, I have no training with any of this and no person experience. I've done a little research but not a lot, if there is anything incorrect or that seems off to you please let me know. I'm more than willing to fix any mistakes :)**

**Also, this one will more than likely not be updated as quickly as 'Lines in the Sand' just because this one is a little more in depth, I guess is the word I'm looking for. It's not going to flow as easy for me I don't think. So bear with and review!!! Let me know if I should go on. Next chapter will more than likely be third person unless you want me to continue in first person.**

**Chapter One - In which we see Blood and Tears**

* * *

Life isn't all it's cracked up to be you know? Sometimes it's easier to give up and let go, everyone has to let go once in while, right? See this is my problem, I have so many questions, so many feelings and no where to vent them. I started cutting in ninth grade, I think. It was an accident at first, my Dad told me he was getting remarried. Don't get me wrong she's a great woman but I liked things the way they were and at 15 I didn't want to share my house with more people. So I got mad, threw a picture at the wall, glass exploded everywhere and cut my forearm. 

I remember standing there, staring at the broken glass, then the gash on my arm, which, incidentally, needed stitches, and realized just how much better that pain made me feel. All the self pity and hatred left with the pain in my arm. Whenever things would get too stressful I would make a tiny cut with a razor blade in my wrist. I was always careful, not too deep or anything... Always hidden by a large band on my arm. No one ever knew.

After a while I stopped, fighting with my step sister seemed to alleviate my need to hurt myself, that was until I found myself wanted to kiss her instead of insult her... or maybe I'd do a combo of both. The only way I could stop myself from fantasizing about her was to start cutting again. Her face dulled with the sharp edge of pain in my arm.

I just want it on the record that I have never attempted suicide, even though that's what it says on my psych eval. It was an accident, I never realized that all that time I'd been cutting with a dulled blade. This one was new, I bought it when I lost my other one. Sitting in the bathroom I dragged the new blade across my skin, feeling the familiar bite of it. There was a lot more blood than usual, I must have hit something major without realizing in. I'd become careless in my need for release.

At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set in. It hurt a lot more.

I was getting dizzy, the smell of my own blood was making me sick and this cold sweat enveloped me. Part of me wanted to lie on the floor and sleep, but another part of me screamed _'do that and you die!'_ I tried to get to my feet but, like I said I was dizzy. I slipped, I must have hit my head on something because my vision went dark and blurry. I sat there dazed and bleeding.

Dying.

* * *

I saw the razor blade and took in the other healed scars on his wrist. I remember crying and pulling him into my lap, rocking his body a bit before coming to my senses. I pressed a towel to the wound, he must have hit an artery for it not to clot... I found a weak pulse in his neck and his breathing was shallow but he was still alive. At the time I wasn't sure if that was what he wanted at all, but I didn't care, it was what I wanted! I remembered right before I ran out the door that my cell was in my pocket I quickly dialled 911. The nice woman I spoke to stayed on the line with me until the paramedics came. They did their thing, it's all a blur now I just remember being asked if I was coming with. Of course I was! He was step brother after all!

The closest hospital was Memorial, great staff, good with suicide cases so I recall. I read a lot. They took him into a curtained room, bandaged his wound and set him up on an IV to fix the damage he'd done. The doctor explained that with suicide attempts there was a mandatory evaluation and an over night stay in the psych ward, sort of a suicide watch.

I found it so hard to believe that he would do this, I couldn't find a reason. Then again you can't always see the reason on the outside. Something inside of him made him want to do this and I wanted to fix that part of him if I could. If he'd let me.

Our parents were shocked, then angry, then upset. In fact they seemed to go through the five stages of grief even though he was still alive. Mom cried a lot. My step dad blamed himself, then my mom blamed herself, they seemed to take turns doing that, consoling the other until it was their turn.

My other step brother, like me, found it difficult to believe and my little sister just seemed sort of shocked by the situation. The only one unfazed was my youngest step sib, she's only 7 and she only knew her big brother was in the hospital. She had no idea what he had tried to do...

* * *

I was too young then to realize what was going on around me, but I was still very observant even if I didn't understand everything that was going on. I remember that time as being very stress filled. Casey and Derek still fought a lot but it was always more serious then the other fights they had had and often ended with one or both of them in a crying mess. It was so strange the first time I saw my Smerek cry, knelt on the floor in Casey's arms, her body was shaking and I knew she was crying too but the sobs I heard were all Derek. He had been so ashamed to show her his scars, wounds that I didn't understand until much later. It wasn't so much what he was doing as the reason behind it. Something inside him had felt empty enough for him to cut his own skin in order to make sure he was still alive.

From the moment Casey, Lizzie and Nora moved in things were different. I hadn't had many female influences so it was probably a good thing they came along when they did. Like I've said; I was young, I was six when they came into our house, but something struck me right away. Well maybe not right away but certainly within the next few months. Derek didn't look at Casey the same way he looked at me or Lizzie, and Casey didn't look at him the way she looked at Edwin. There was something there and at first I mistook it as hostility, like everyone else in the family. But I soon began to notice the little looks they gave each other when they thought the other wasn't watching. I always watched, Derek was my hero after all.

The night of Derek's 'attempted suicide', I still refuse to believe it and I believe my brother when he says it was an accident. He admitted to the cutting and received help for that, why should he lie. Anyway, that night, it hit me just how much Casey cared for Derek, I'm not sure how I knew, I can vaguely remember thinking that Casey was looking just as worried as Nora did when Daddy was sick and she didn't know why. Lizzie looked concerned and so did everyone else, but the worry etched on my step sister's face was not of that for her step brother.

While Derek was recovering I watched them more. As a part of his therapy Derek had to apologize to all those effected by his destructive behaviour, as a way to atone, I guess would be the word, for the pain he had put them through as well. Thus the aforementioned crying jag on the floor with Casey. My brother had saved her for last, I guess he was unsure in his feelings for her and therefore wasn't really sure how to apologize to her. Honestly, I'm not sure what he said, but I did see the result of the conversation. It was probably the turning point in their relationship.

No, that's a lie. Casey finding him past out on the bathroom floor in in his own blood may have been the initial turning point for them but it certainly wasn't the last. To say the least.

Things were uncomfortable for quiet a while in out house after that. No one really seemed sure what to say to Derek, They were angry and upset and didn't believe him when he said it was a mistake, which made him more frustrated. I think if he hadn't had Casey on his side then that he would have started cutting again to get through the day.

When I was old enough to understand Derek explained to me what he had done to himself, sort of of a plea to me to talk to him about any and all problems I was having. I googled reason behind cutting after that, it was hard for me to believe because the Derek in my eyes, my Smerek, certainly could not have these feelings. A lot of self injuries are abused, Derek was not in anyway shape or form, when I asked why he did it he explained that half the time he felt empty, numb and it was a way to feel and then those times that he did feel it always seemed like it was bad, anger, frustration, disappointment. He could not remember being happy. Until Casey came along. He said that she gave him somewhere to vent the feelings he'd been coping with through cutting, he didn't feel the need as often when he focused on her and soon he stopped.

That is until he fell in love with her.

* * *

**TBC**


	2. Of Shrinks and Rubber Bands

**Sensations**

**Rated: M (Mature themes)**

**Pairing: Will be Dasey eventually**

**Genre: Romance/Drama**

**Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set it. (WARNING: Deals with self-injury)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, which is oh so sad because I would bring them all back to Newfoundland!!!**

**AN: Sorry this took so very long and that this chapter is so short... I actually had some more but I'm not sure where that's going to go yet so I figure instead of letting this rot on my computer I would just post it...**

**Chapter 2 - Of Shrinks and Rubber Bands**

* * *

"Tell me Derek, in your own words, why do think you tried to kill yourself?" Derek was already beginning to dislike this woman. She was smug looking, had a permanently upturned nose and generally did not look like a happy person. Certainly not someone who should be counselling others on the values of life.

Derek lounged on the couch in her office. It was a nice space, there was no way she decorated it. Her with her gray suit and brown hair pulled back in a severe bun. She could have been pretty, in fact any other guy besides Derek probably would have been dying at this point to unravel the bun and dive his fingers into chocolate brown hair but Derek was too busy disliking her to think such thoughts. That and too in love with someone he shouldn't be in love with.

"I didn't." he stated.

"Derek, your sister found you lying bleeding to death on the bathroom floor. With a razor blade next to you and obvious evidence that you've been cutting for sometime..." She trailed, waiting for him to interject.

"Step sister." He corrected quickly, so quickly that the shrink made a note to pursue that topic a little later on. "It was accident. I had no idea how much sharper that blade was and I was in a rush."

"Why?"

Derek did not want to go down this road, he wasn't really ready to hear the words out loud, admitting them in his head was bad enough but saying them, well that made them real.

He took a deep breathe and then sighed as he let it out. He knew this wasn't going to be easy but he promised his Dad he would do this. If only his Dad knew. "I'm in love with my step sister."

The doctor didn't even bat an eyelash, she seemed totally unaffected by his revelation and certainly not showing any disgust. "You don't seemed shocked or anything..."

"Derek, I deal with stranger things than this. You're a 17 year old boy with a girl living in your house that you are in no way related to by blood. It's natural that you might have some attraction to her." The doctor, her name is actually Mia and had insisted Derek call her so, jotted something else down on her pad, "Why don't you tell me why your feelings for her had you cutting that day? What happened? You said you were in a rush?"

"I had opened her door to find her changing, she didn't hear the door and she had her back to me... I... watched her for a minute and then left..."

"Why not masturbate to relief your tension, why cut?"

The words came from her mouth so casually that Derek faltered. "I did... uh... do that... it wasn't enough, cutting was the only way the feelings went away." He kept his eyes down, on his hands, which were playing with the strings of his hoodie.

"Derek, you need to find another way to deal with your feelings, you have to face them, not hide from them. Have you thought about telling her how you feel?"

Derek paused, sure he had thought about it and the stress thinking about it caused had him cutting again. "She hates me, I drive her insane. It was kinda what I lived for her. Bugging her gave me a reason to stop before... She became my vent, I lived for the next time I could hear her scream my name the way she does when she gets angry." He hadn't meant to say that much but it was easy to talk to this woman, easy to let someone know.

"Derek, someone can drive you totally up the wall and you can still love them, It's sort of something you can't control. And I realize that that must frighten you but it is something you need to think about."

"Our parents would never be okay with it even if she was." Yet another reason for a few of the scars on Derek's arm.

"Why not run it by them, see how they would take it. Present it as a hypothetical." Mia made a note and looked up at the clock. "That's it for today Derek, I'll see you next week. There's some homework I'd like you to do for me. Firstly, any time you feel overwhelmed and feel like cutting during the day I want you to snap this." She took hold of his still bandaged wrist and place a rubber band on it. "Second, I want you to write down in this journal what made you feel that way. Every week we'll take a moment to run through it, we may see some patterns emerge that might help you deal with the urge to cut." She handed Derek a notebook and he turned to leave. "And Derek, it's not part of the homework but I would like you to apologize to your family, this can be a stain on them as well. It doesn't have to be today or even this year but it would be good for both you and them. Now, see you next week."

* * *

**TBC**


	3. In which Casey is, well Casey

**Sensations**

**Rated: M (Mature themes)**

**Pairing: Will be Dasey eventually**

**Genre: Romance/Drama**

**Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set it. (WARNING: Deals with self-injury)**

**Disclaimer: Sadly it's not mine, just borrowing Derek and Casey and the gang for a bit of angsty fun**

**AN: So sorry you guys, I basically had this finished like months ago... well I thought I was going to write more but after reading it over again I think this was a good place to end this chapter. School starts in a week, finally getting to college. Only took four years for me to force myself back. Word to the wise, don't take a year off after high school!!!!**

* * *

School was something Derek wasn't looking forward to, all those girl's throwing themselves at him, all the guys trying to be him. It really was not nearly as flattering as one might think. In fact it drove Derek insane. No one liked him for him, he had become this icon that he didn't want to be. People expected a certain level of... laziness, for lack of a better word, from him. They didn't expect much more from him than that. There was so much more he could be but he just didn't see the point. Derek soon began to realize that he didn't really have any friends except Sam, he's grades sucked, he just couldn't _get_ school at all, the only thing he had going for him was hockey and that might be gone if he couldn't get his grades up. Too many seemingly insignificant things all piling on top of one another is basically what had Derek carving his own flesh. Most people would tell you suck it up and deal, you don't like it do something to make it better. Well, Derek found a way. Perhaps not the best or the safest but it worked for him.

Now he would need to find another way to deal. He had the rubber band which he was assuming it was going to get a lot of use by the end of the school day.

The first time being when Casey came out of the bathroom clad only in a towel. What a way to start his day. Certainly there were _other ways_ of dealing with these feelings, and he did that but it just wasn't enough. Sure the arousal was gone but the emotion... the lump in his throat that always formed would not go away until the razor met his wrist. In this case the razor was replaced with the snap of a rubber band.

The day could only get worse it seemed. Sam wasn't in that day, making Derek painfully aware of just how many true friends he had. The most recent count being two: Sam and Emily. And then again he didn't really count Emily as she still had a crush on him and would probably do anything he asked.

Lunch time came and Derek wasn't really sure who to sit with, lately he'd been sitting with Kendra, but after the whole 'incident' he broke it off. Just another emotional attachment he could not deal with. Kendra was clingy and, actually, quite annoying to be frank, it just wasn't working for him. Eventually no girl did but, essential, they were not Casey. It was as simple as that.

He was staring as his food so he didn't really realize she had sat down until she spoke.

"Where's Sam?"

Derek didn't answer her at first. She would never have sat with him if everything were normal. If she hadn't found him like she had. Now don't get me wrong. Derek will be forever gratefully that she did what she did. Because the truth was Derek was more afraid of dying then he was of living. An out look that he saw this as a good thing.

"Why are you here?" He asked, slipping into the 'I'm your step brother and I don't like you' mode so easily that he found himself snapping the rubber band at his own stupidity.

"Emily's busy and I didn't want to eat alone." She shrugged. As if this was something that happened on a regular bases...

"Fine!" He sighed, might as well keep up the pretences. Make it seem like he didn't want her there. "You can eat with me. But don't make a habit of this!" He added hastily.

She smiled, that beautiful, intoxicating smile and turned her attention to her salad. After a few minutes of rather companionable silence Casey spoke. "Derek, do you think we can drop this act...?" She asked suddenly. He wanted to scream 'yes! Yes please!' But if he wasn't hostile to her he wasn't sure what he would do. Being friends with Casey meant being nice and being nice meant that they might become closer. Derek was not ready to become closer to Casey, at least not as her friend.

He got to his feet, shaking his head as he did so. "Casey, Casey, Casey... you have obviously gotten confused." He leaned down towards her, close enough that he could breath in her flowery perfume. "I'm not acting." As he walked away the distinct sound of a rubber band snapping could be heard.

* * *

"I don't understand Paul. I find him half dead, save his ungrateful life and he's acting like nothings changed between us!" Casey had spend so much time in the guidance counsellor's office that Paul hardly had time to see anyone else these days. Thankfully Casey's dramas kept him entertain and half the time all he really had to do was sit and listen, nod occasionally and Casey usually did his work for him.

"Have things changed?"

"Of course they have Paul! Derek's been cutting himself." Paul was the only one in the school who knew this and she had only told him after making him swear to never tell anyone in the school. "I saved his life. Things should be different." She frowned and looked at him. "I mean shouldn't they?"

"Casey, if you are expecting Derek to have had some sort of Hallmark revelation due to his near brush with death I think you're going to be waiting a long time. People start cutting as a way to deal with complex emotion that they feel they can not talk about with others. Things are automatically going to be different with Derek just because you know about his problem, in fact things might get worse because he feels ashamed and needs someone to lash out at. You need to be patient Casey and let him come to his own conclusions."

"Wow, Paul. I think you're right." Paul waited, this was normally the part where Casey twisted everything he said around to form her own meaning, normally ended in another mess that sent her to his office. "I need to let Derek know that I am here for him. That I understand."

Paul sighed, it was hopeless. That wasn't what her wanted her to get from his little speech. Derek needed time to come to terms on his own. Having Casey suddenly all sunshine, rainbows and understanding would probably put him on edge. "Casey that's not what I..."

"Thanks Paul!" She interrupted, bounding out the door before he could attempt to stop her.

* * *

**TBA**


	4. Complicated

**Sensations**

**Rated: M (Mature themes)**

**Pairing: Will be Dasey eventually**

**Genre: Romance/Drama**

**Summary: At first I wasn't really sure what was happening, what I had done, and I sort of sat staring at my blood pouring from my body. I watched it drop and puddle on the floor with some sort of sick fascination until the searing pain set it. (WARNING: Deals with self-injury)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, just borrowing. **

**AN: I'd like to thank who ever deemed Lines in the Sand good enough for one of the Dasey comms. It seems it's included in 'the best Dasey fics around' ... or words to that effect. So thanks.**

Casey's plan was simply this: Let Derek know that she was there for him and that she wanted to help. As of late he had been having seemingly serious talks with their parents and other siblings but he hadn't come to her for, what she was assuming, was some big heart to heart. So, she decided to go an initiate this talk on her own, beginning with walking into his room without knocking, as was their custom. Derek was in the middle of dressing, or on the last leg of dressing, he was reaching for the wrist band he always wore to cover his scars when Casey closed the gap between them, covering his hand with hers.

"It's all right Derek, I'm here for you. Let me share your pain." Now normally when Casey started a conversation as cheesy as this with Derek he would laugh and tell her that she sounded like an after school special, only at this moment he was trying to stop her from seeing his scars. Again. He knew that she had seen them when she had found him but somehow this was different, being consciously aware of her looking upon his shame... was something inconceivable to him at this juncture. And yet she followed her cheesy line with a hand on his wrist, slowly trying to turn it over towards her.

"Case, don't." his voice came out less demanding and more pleading than he would have liked.

"Derek it's okay, you don't have to hide this from me anymore."

"Yes I do... because... because if you look I'll remember." Derek tried to move away from her but she was surprisingly strong for such a tiny person.

"Wh-What do you mean?" Casey's voice changed from cheesy infomercial to genuine hurt and confusion. A tone that he absolutely hated to hear from her.

"Casey! Just..." Derek trailed off, he knew they were going to have to have this conversation one day and that he was going to have to apologize to her just has he had done the others. "Because if you look I'll remember that you're the reason I cut myself." Not entirely true, but his feelings for her were certainly the straw that broke the camel's back.

"I'm the reason..." She backed away. "What do you mean? Why would you say such a thing?" Good, she was getting angry, angry Casey Derek could deal with. But then tears over took her anger and she was crying. Which was something he couldn't deal with.

"I can't get you out of my head!" He turned towards her, yelling, face only inches from hers. The tears shining on her eyes were his undoing, he crumpled to the floor. The tears he'd been holding back for so long, tears that he had fought back with the pain of knife through flesh, came up to the surface. "I don't know how to deal with these feelings, Casey."

She was crying now too, kneeling in front of him on the floor. "What feelings, Derek... talk to me. Please?" She reached out a tentative hand to his shoulder.

"I... I love you, so much that it hurts and I can't make it stop. I don't want these... I mean I shouldn't have..." His body was wreak with sobs, Casey wrapped her arms around him and held him close to her, crying silent tears over the boy who loved her.

She hadn't had any idea of his feelings. Then again she hadn't know he was cutting either. She was all sorts of oblivious it seemed. The question was then, knowing how Derek truly felt, how did she feel about him. She held him tighter, as he continued to cry, breathing in the musky scent she had come to associate solely with Derek. Perhaps she did love him, she cared, cared so much that the thought of living without him caused an ache deep in her heart, but was that love?

"And what happened then?" Mia asked, she was happy that Derek had been able to confront his feelings... or at least he was certainly on his way to confronting them. Letting Casey know how he felt lifted some of the weigh off his shoulders and on to hers.

"We... uh... we stayed like that for a while, after I..." Derek's voice lowered to almost a whisper. "After, I had, you know, stopped crying." As though it were safe to speak up again, his voice rose again to it's normal timbre. "It's exhausting, crying, I fell asleep, and then she did. We woke up on the floor, confused for a moment. It was silent, I remembered what had happened and I knew she was remembering it." He took a deep breath and continued. "She squeezed my shoulder and left the room without a word."

"How did you feel, when Casey left you alone?"

"Relieved, to be honest." One thing he had learned here with Mia was that the only way he was going to take control of his feelings was to be honest with himself. He was the one with the power. "I was afraid she would say she didn't feel the same, at least this way it's not a no." He smirked a little, some of the old Derek shining through, the Derek that hadn't cared about the world or people around him, the Derek who had somehow managed to fall in love with someone who was supposed to be nothing more than a sister to him. And although he felt like he was no longer that person, those feelings for Casey continued to stay with him like a cancer eating away at him, no matter what change or treatment he went through.

"And if he does say know." She watched as Derek's face fell. "This is something you need to be prepared for Derek. She may not be in love with you, as you are with her. You still have to live with her, you need to find a way, a non-destructive way to deal with these feelings should this come to pass."

He knew it was a possibility, that Casey wouldn't see him as anything more than her annoying step-brother but having Mia ask so forwardly made him realize the full and terrible impact that would have. "God! I'll have to see her everyday, knowing that she knows how I feel. Urg!" He groaned and slouched down in the seat, covering his face with his hands as he did so. "She's going to feel all guilty and try to be understanding." He sat back up and gave me a crooked smile. "You may as well just kill me now Doc."

She smirked back, acknowledging the light hearted attempted at funny. "Derek, I'll think you'll find that Casey is going to be just as confused as you. She's going to have to reevaluate how she feels, she's going to second guess every fight, every touch and try to recall the feelings that came with those. She's going to need time and she may come up with a negative response. And if Casey is all that you say she is then yes, she might try to be more sensitive then normal, which is normal with you turn someone down so as not to add insult to injury. But she may feel the need to elaborate on that because you see each other everyday."

Derek sighed and Mia continued. "Have you thought about what you'll do if she says yes, there are a lot of things to consider, she may love you but be unwilling to enter a relationship. Your situation is complicated, and what about your parents, did you ever bring it up with them?"

His mind was reeling, it wasn't has if he hadn't come up with all these issues himself, it was just that having them all laid out like that made the possibility of him and Casey seem impossible. "I figured that I'd wait to see what Casey decided before running anything by Dad and Nora. Hypotheticals will just get them worried. Especially now."

"That sounds like very mature thinking Derek, good for you."

Derek left that days session feeling both impossibility light and incredibly heavy at the same time. On the one hand everything could work out and Casey would love him too, things would be fine if she felt the same, he was certain of them. On the other hand, like Mia had said, things were complicated. And in Derek's life things seems to get more complicated before the end.


End file.
